Performance, as generally described, and my own experience of my ability to perform have not been on the same page for a long time.

Keeping quiet, I had developed over time my own way to get to my best ability to perform during my school years.

I was able to get to my best when I was in a state of relishing and enjoying a challenge, with curiosity, experimentation, play and creativity. When in this state, I was able to concentrate and focus intensely, while being able to draw on each ounce of knowledge I had.

I delved in it on my own. Hiding it.

That changed.

The first step of that change was a serious push on my comfort zone in form of an improvisation theater workshop.

 

Daring to play on stage.

At 18 years old I registered for an improvisation theater workshop.

I had left school that year, had entered evening school to get the required diploma to go and study engineering in the UK and had started working full-time in parallel.

Becoming an engineer and studying in the UK firmly in focus, I felt that I needed to get moving and get out of my stand-by feeling I had had all along through school since Kindergarden. Biding my time to get going.

It was time to loosen the brakes and get at my own wheel. Stop being a passenger. Stop hiding. And become the best automotive engineer I can possibly be.

Introvert, quiet, observing – taking center stage was all I had avoided so far. I was however not happy in the shadows and, despite the fear, one of the things I was quite drawn to was theater and play.

So, jump in at the deep end. And hey, it’s theater, so it could be fun, right ?

Deep breath.

 

Shaking and walking.

The workshop ran for a week every evening  after work, plus weekend. And frankly, going there I was, forgive my language, shitting myself. Literally shaking when entering the building.

There I was, a walking plank feeling like walking the metaphorical plank.

Tense to the maximum with shallow breathing and a creaky voice. Oh this was going great!

What was I thinking !?!

 

« Making a Run for it » to « Anger ».

After warm-up exercises and games to get going, I was ready to run home.

And yet. I was starting to get annoyed with myself, stirring in my body to get out of this paradoxical lethargic yet panicky feeling. Why the drama in God’s name ? Just let go. You want to !

Next, doing short impro games. I try to be funny because I think I have to be.

Not even an hour in and I am exhausted. And increasingly angry with this state I’m in.

Locked in.

I notice that I don’t move freely, with staccato movements and lacking coordination. I can feel even physically the box I have locked myself into.

Right. Let’s analyze. What is the worst that can happen ? I make myself ridiculous. What does that mean ? Well….

I glance around. There are about a dozen other people. I look at them individually for the first time that evening. And some of them look quite stressed out as well. And suddenly I don’t feel alone anymore. Hmm…

So, I seem to be not alone in this and nothing bad can happen. Plus, I can always run and never come back!

I am seriously angry now at this sensation of being locked in. Yet at the same time, weirdly, I start to relax a little.

It really seems that nothing bad can happen ! I am not alone in this, there are others that look just as freaked out as me.

Little smiles exchange.

I am really not alone feeling like this!

So, just follow the energy that brought you here !

 

« Reacting » to « Acting ».

The next set, I consciously follow this energy, not my thinking and physical resistance to movement. Listening and watching what the other person says and does in our interaction and giving myself a second to just feel that energy and act. No thinking.

And after a few minutes, the brake holding me back suddenly gently loosens. The walls of my box recede. I breathe. I move freely. My voice is back. My face defreezes.

Wow. Did I just say that and make them all laugh ? Did I just do a weird voice in a belgian accent !?! Where did that come from ?

Next. Training expression of emotions. Great, all I try to avoid.

« Pretend to be in love with your neighbour. »

Bugger!! Yeah, my face is deep red now, I’m nailing this without even trying !?! Focus !!! Think Vivien Leigh in Gone with the wind. « Well if that’s your in-love-face I don’t want to see your scared face. » Really !?! Might explain a few things… . I am surprised and…amused.

« Let’s try fear. »

Oh, I’m a pro at this ! My neighbour looks at me: « That’s not fear. When you are scared you shake. »  I get angry on the spot. « That’s beginners fear. Real fear you freeze up and stop breathing. I know what I’m talking about. »

Great. The genie is out of the bottle. Yep, definitely out of the box here !

At the end of the evening, I was safe enough to have dared moving out of the shadows, out of my self-build safety system that, yes, protected me but was also holding me back.

 

Shifting through « Freeze », « Flight », « Fight » into « Play » : dropping into myself.

This sequence of reactions repeated itself every evening : from almost in shutdown into fear, anger, then through connection into safety. Finally dropping into myself: let’s play!

I got more aware of what was happening, observed my reactions and physical sensations, experimented with approaches and started to intervene with those that seemed to help me get quicker into a safe feeling and free play mode.

It felt like a physical mind training. My body and brain were working together.

I stopped fighting myself. Allowing myself to be. Stopping to squeeze myself into how I thought I was expected to be.

And each day it got a little easier. I started to develop a set of tools and ressources.

I gave myself space and control by allowing myself to take one evening at a time : I am free to come next day, I don’t have to be here. My choice. I am here because I want to. Let’s play. Let’s experiment and see what happens. This is a lifesize laboratory ! No danger and I am not alone.

There were moments of exhaustion, terror and dread where I was looking at my watch counting the minutes to go. Only to then look forward to new exercises when the coach said « let’s try something new ». Yes, bring it on, let’s do this. With a big smile.

I really relished the incredible feeling at the tipping point where I felt my old protection system was letting go and the brake loosened, because I knew by then that, what would come after would be pretty awesome : completely being alive.

Breaking through my own sound barrier with a big bang : I was myself, with all my breath, all the energy and intensity, all the potentials and quirks.

Released. Embodied. Dropping into myself. My horses running without restraint. Surprising myself continously.

Getting to know and experiencing myself beyond my automatic neurophysiological reactions.

I was performing, litteraly and metaphorically. And it felt just like my performing bubble had in a test situation at school.

Performance, or what I had thought was considered as such, and my way to perform were after all on the same page simply because there are no pages.

There is only our human neurophysiology, non-stop monitoring and reacting with a specific sequence of survival strategies, updated with our experiences and history, to keep our mental and physical integrity intact.

Our performance and well-being depend on how aware we are of it, meet our body where it is and respectfully shift states so to align with our wishes, aims and outside situation. To have our own back.

The best was the realization that I was not alone anymore in this, not hiding my way of performing but sharing it and its results.

Becoming aware that while some of the other participants were more at ease, most of us were all navigating the same sequence of reactions to fall finally, each in their own way, into play.

 

Polyvagal theory and the Play Zone.

That week, without knowing, I was shifting through my neurophysiological defense responses in a way that made me consciously notice them in this special context for the first time.

The sequence of the defense reactions I noticed corresponds to the ongoing research by Dr Stephen W. Porges on the autonomic nervous system and its survival responses he describes in Polyvagal theory.

After having dropped into myself at the point where my brakes loosened, I landed in safety and slowly moved up into The Play Zone – the methodology to shift into the optimal state for performance described by Michael Allison through the application of Polyvagal theory to performance.

Once breaking through my personal sound barrier and shifting into a state of connection and safety, I could play and access all my faculties and abilities. Ramping up my energy, without automatically shifting into anger, but remaining connected, aware, focused and playful.

Like a beginner on a bicycle, I was quite wobbly, clumsy and all over the place with trying to handle my reactions and state shifts. I went with moments back into defense, getting angry or scared.

But I was no stuck anymore in that moment in fear or anger and could initiate shifts back into safety and play by starting to get more and more aware of the signs and sensations indicating these neurophysiological shifts. And what helps me to support shifting back into a state of safety.

 

Embodied performance.

In that moment I stopped to survive. I was at my own wheel. Fully alive and shifting into play and what I call embodied performance.

A performance from within myself in a state of safety and connection accessing all my abilities and potentials, surprising myself with moments.

I realized that the feeling of not being adequate to expectations, resulting in not being able to perform in a standard manner and setting, was just that : a feeling, not reality.

I had this feeling, but I was not inadequate and wrong. I had to find my own way to keep breaking through my own sound barrier and reach true embodied performance. All while respecting myself completely becoming able to access my potentials and faculties.

This realization is an important part in polyvagal approach. To stop the narrative trying to explain a feeling and stay with what is and myself. To be able to analyze, understand, learn and helping myself to shift back into safety and remain aligned with myself. In respect of myself.

It made me realise for the first time in this completely different context how harsh and unfair I had been to myself for so long.

Also to my protection system, the software developed through evolution integrating my life experiences that my autonomic nervous system was running : my safety box. It had very good reasons to be there, to react quickly, with high sensitivity to danger cues. It had saved my life.

But now, it kept me unnecessarily stuck in defense. It needed an update as it was holding me back to be fully alive and make my performance equal to my highest potential.

 

Learning and training to move my story.

My experience in this first theater workshop opened new perspectives and proved to have a continuous effect on my understanding and awareness of myself and my embodied performance.

I continued to do regularly other theater workshops, to follow other interests in this manner, to work, experiment and investigate it further and in this way.

Repeating the same approach on developing ways to learn, best adapted to me, when I was identified several years later as being HIP/Highly gifted with high visual and auditive sensitivity.

And when doing trauma work a couple of years after that, I encountered Polyvagal theory and came among others across theater again – this time training my neurophysiology and awareness in this context with a deeper understanding of what I had first experienced 15 years earlier.

It is a never ending process of learning, developping and training. It is a performance in itself. Life performance and well-being.

When I do a theater workshop now, I go through the same sequence of reactions. But much faster and controlled. Still enjoying the feeling when I fly through the sound barrier. Calm, focused and centred.

To be at my own wheel is a continuous training of awareness. Training my abilities through gently challenging my comfort zone to help myself shift on a neurophysiological level into the most optimal state to address each moment in the most efficient and optimal way while staying aligned to myself in whatever field – from high-intensity to calm.

It does not mean to avoid defense states, but to be aware to not get stuck in them when they are not necessary.  To remain flexible and move into the state I want and which is best adapted in the situation.

Being aware, hence at the wheel and not an unsuspecting passenger of automatic defense responses that may not be best adapted and may even be detrimental to myself.

 

Performance equal to your highest potential.

Embodied performance is this complete presence within myself, in safety and connection, accessing all my skills, experiences, faculties, potentials and quirks while carefully managing and respecting my energy and need for deep recuperation and connection.

To execute a task, in whatever field, to the highest level possible if I wish so, drawing from all my acquired skills, potentials, faculties and abilities, continuing to learn and develop, pushing myself, ramping my energy up, calming down, recuperating when necessary.

Without moving into defense when not necessary and helpful to my aim.

To be offensive if necessary, but without moving into defense reactions like anger, tension or hesitation.

While playing defense in the same manner without shifting into states of fear, worry or doubt. Keeping the access to your skills, faculties, potentials and abilities intact as long as a defense response is not necessary.

In whatever field. Be it in high-intensity or quietness and calm.

To paint with all your colors and energy in your own way.

To access all the keys and pedals on your piano and play the music you choose to your best level possible with all you are. Safe and in connection.

Your embodied performance becoming equal to your highest potential.

Without restraint, yet in control. In balance. Calm, focused and centred.

Not a passenger. But at the wheel of your own neurophysiology.

Be. Your Own Pilot.

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Contact me for a discovery call and explore how I can support you to reconnect with your own neurophysiology, access your potentials and find your individual way to your embodied performance and well-being.